To Sing Frogs Chapter 14d

A selfie of when we first met Kirrill

Footsteps and Russian words from the hallway interrupted my imagination. Amy erupted from her chair and went straight to the doorway. Stass and I remained in our seats. My heart was pounding. My armpits were sweating and my breathing was short. I had finally figured out what I missed when I met Jack. I was concerned. I didn’t know if in such a short time I had been able to sufficiently correct my error. Capability and culpability were not variables in the equation. Neither would make a difference in what would shortly happen.

Within seconds Amy was holding a nineteen month-old little boy. He was the saddest most melancholy child I had ever seen. He wasn’t crying. His deep blue eyes looked too sad to cry. He hardly moved as Amy cradled him and spoke softly while stroking his cheek with the back of her fingers as if they were feathers at the end of a wing. Then she looked up at me. “John, I’d like you to meet Kirrill,” she said. I think she believed she still had to sell me on the idea of making him part of the family. She looked like a little girl about to ask her father if she could keep a kitten she had just carried home. “Come here,” she said to me coaxingly. “Come and meet him.”

I was afraid. I know Amy was wondering if I was trying to talk myself out of taking on another child. She was wrong. She had no idea why I delayed. I had endeavored to convince myself I wanted this child for me; that I wanted and needed him as much as I wanted and needed the others. I had tried my hardest to be sincere though it’s possible to lie to yourself. Even so, you can’t fool yourself. The experience I wished for would only happen if I had been successful in longing for this child. I aspired to that purpose with every bit of strength and emotion I could muster since I first figured out my error, shortly before arriving at the orphanage. Effort didn’t matter.

Effort was something incalculable, so was my degree of achievement. Either I longed for this child or I didn’t. Either I would experience what I missed with Jack or I wouldn’t. I wanted to experience the feeling so much more than I desired to be able to prove I deserved it.

Ultimately, I wanted to be Kirrill’s dad. If I failed in my attempt to make our meeting all it could be, I could still have that. At least I could be his dad.

Slowly I stood and walked toward my future son while my heart raced. Amy curled into me so I could look at the toddler while she held him and continued to stroke his cheek. I slid my arms underneath and took him away from her. My wife smiled while she let me take him supposing my holding of the child would be her best chance at keeping him.

I tuned out everything else and looked into those deeply sad blue eyes. Amy and the others were talking. To me their sounds were muffled. I could discern nothing but the child in my surrounding environment.

“Hello, little man,” I said as he looked through the folds of his blanket and up into my eyes. “I’m looking for a son. Could I interest you in a dad?” I waited.

Suddenly warmth filled my body. I pictured a mischievous little boy tugging at a grumpy older sister’s ponytail. I saw shiny eyes, sparkling eyes, eyes that had progressed beyond pain and ultimate abandonment. I saw a young man who would help others to conquer mental anguish. I envisioned a man who would give his all to keep others from going through the pain only one who has been abandoned could comprehend. I knew his middle name even though Amy and I hadn’t begun to discuss possibilities for this future son. It would be Alexander. Defender of Mankind.

 

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