Reactive Attachment Disorder I Need Your Help withThree Things
Because my daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help with three things. Some people think that RAD means my daughter can’t emotionally attach to others. It doesn’t. Attachment is like math. It comes easy to some and others need to work very hard to grasp the most basic principles. My daughter has to work harder and it takes her longer to attach but she can and does do it. Some have been led to believe that people with RAD are homicidal. Okay, some people who eat chocolate are homicidal. My daughter isn’t. She doesn’t hide knives under her pillow. She doesn’t torture our pets. Some people who suffer from the effects of RAD do have those tendencies, but those are extreme cases which history has proven may be corrected over time.
Sarah, like most who suffer from her condition, does struggle to grasp the concept of cause and effect. From her earliest moments, an abusive and neglectful mother taught her another reality. If she cried enough, it would create a reaction. There was no telling what reaction would come in a situation where a mother might be passed-out-drunk for hours at a time, or raging from a hangover, and in a house where there might be food and might not. My daughter can recall soft little tickles on her feet, but she also remembers having her hair grabbed in two fists to facilitate the repeated bashing of her head on the floor. There was absolutely no relationship between the things my daughter did and the reactions they caused. The orphanage was better, but Russians are masters of making threats they don’t intend to carry out. Sometimes she was punished for breaking orphanage rules, but most of the time she wasn’t. You might find it easy to believe that gravity works every time. My daughter would be hard pressed to accept the fact that there is not an exception to the rule. Because of such thinking, brought on by Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help as we try to help her to correct erroneous understanding.
With Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help, but what might be helpful in other circumstances, could do more harm than good with my daughter.
First, please teach my daughter that there is consistency in the world. Teach her that her good actions bring good results and her bad actions do the opposite. Don’t let her off the hook. Ever! If you do, you are only reinforcing her understanding that life is a series of random occurrences that we have no control over. My daughter had a tough beginning. I don’t have a problem with you sympathizing with that. In fact, I really do appreciate your empathy and compassion. Even so, don’t let your feelings allow her to get away with breaking rules without consequences. If you do, you will be robbing her of at least some potential for a successful future, to give her something she doesn’t need, now. With Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help, but what might be helpful in other circumstances, could do more harm than good with my daughter.
My daughter lost a lot during the first part of her life. She lost her mother more times than you can count. Even as a toddler my daughter would be left alone for long periods of time. She never really knew if her mother would return to care for her. It was a “given” that her mother wouldn’t return before she was hungry. The little girl was hungry all the time. At the age of five, my daughter was removed from the home and put into an orphanage. A year later, after bonding with the director and orphanage workers, she was taken to an orphanage for older children. There she made new friends and eventually came to trust the adults who provided for her. Then my wife and I showed up and threw a wrench in the chain. We took her away from that environment to give her a home and family that we said were “forever.” She was happy to hear that it was forever. All children love fairytales but it doesn’t mean they believe them. My daughter couldn’t fathom “forever” when it came to relationships. Because my daughter's life involved places that she doesn't associate with our family, we can't help her, alone. My daughter has been improperly programed by Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help in reprogramming her understanding.
Here’s the second thing I need from you. You see my daughter as charming. I’ll give you that. She’s one of the most charming people I have ever met. Her charm is a means to an end. My daughter can’t imagine that her mother and I will not go away long before a natural and geriatric demise. She’s charming because she is grooming you. That isn’t to say her feelings for you aren’t sincere. They are. She likes you enough to choose you to be her new parent when I’m gone. Here’s the hardest part: Once she thinks you are ready to accept her as your own child, she figures she might as well get the pain over with when it comes to loosing me. My daughter will do everything she can to drive me to the point of ending my relationship as her parent. Of course it won’t work, but she doesn’t know that. Her current family is an exception to a rule that my daughter has not yet disproved. Please be my daughter’s friend. But if you really want to help her, because of Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help in reinforcing the family relationships she already has. Don’t tell her how lucky (or even worse, blessed) she is to have a new family. She believes that if she was either of those things, she wouldn’t have needed a new family in the first place. I know it is a fine and unclear line, but help my daughter to understand that she really does have the family that will last her for the rest of her life.
The last thing I need from you is consistency. I know, the first thing I needed from you was consistency, but with Reactive Attachment Disorder I need your help in this more than any other area. Consequences for my daughter don’t need to be severe. In fact, she would interpret that as abuse. The best thing for her is small punishments that are finished quickly, but that are delivered with brutal consistency. My daughter needs to know how you will react all of the time. Of course you will act differently to different circumstances and that’s part of the point. But my daughter needs to see that when she acts negatively, your response is negative. When my daughter does good things, act positively; every time. The lessons my daughter needs to learn in order to be a successful adult are the things that most children learn in their first one to two years of their lives. Those lessons come harder now and that’s why I need your help. If you could just give me one part of boundaries in relationships with two parts of consistency, it will make a world of difference to our family.
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You are correct about writing being therapeutic. It forces us the re-think situations over and over again, helping us to understand our children better and better. We need to be proud of our children for the progress that they make rather than being disappointed for what they don't (yet) have the ability to do. We need to remember where they would be if we hadn't brought them home. Deep down, we always know it's worth it and that faced with the opportunity again, we would do it, after sitting down and crying. Sometimes we need to pop in an old Bob Seger CD and sing along with Against The Wind. "I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then."
Might I recommend an excellent book? Adopting The Hurt Child by Gregory Keck (you can find it on Amazon) did more to help us with our children who have RAD and PTSD than any other book. Good luck in your challenges!
Thank you for your kind words and for taking time to comment.
John
I'm glad you found comfort in the article. Really, there are lots of us who understand each other. We just need to be better about finding each other. One of our greatest challenges was finding professionals who understood our children. At first I was begining to let my children's therapists convince me that I was crazy and that my kids were just kids being kids. Then I read Adopting The Hurt Child by Gregory Keck (you can find it on Amazon). That was the first time I felt like a professional understood me and the condition that some of my children suffered from. Reading that book helped me to know how to find therapists who could help my children. It was a long, difficult hunt, but they are out there!
You're not the only one who cries over these matters. That article was written through blurred vision and splashes onto my keyboard.
Good luck with your own family challenges and always remember one thing: three steps forward + two steps back = PROGRESS!
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your comment.
John
I have a Grandson with RAD.I have learned that a lot of professionel
dont know how to handle children.I believe there is acause and affect.
My biggest problem is the school and all. They are not trained enough
to do the right thing.I,m affraid that with my 11 year old and the way he is and a lot of people unaware,that he will go in the wrong direction
Leading, parenting and teaching a child with RAD is so different from the conventional that most people don't understand. One thing that helped us was to find therapists and psychologists who specialized in attachment disorders to work with our children. We then had these professionals write letters and communicate with school teachers and administrators.
We have another daughter who suffers from mental illness along with RAD and other challenges. You can cry on my shoulder if I can cry on yours. I think we just need to celebrate each success no matter how insignificant it might seem to someone else.
Thank you for your comment.
John
We'll all stay at it until those who wish to help us can understand the unusual conditions that RAD poses.
Thank you for your comment!
John
I have four from Ivanovo, Russia and knew nothing of the challenges I would face as a single adoptive mother. All I had was my faith that God had called me to this mission and, with His help, I would do it! Oldest was 17.5 yo when brought home-couldn't wait to get out of Russia and never wants to go back. Sometimes too securely attached! Next was her bio sister who swore I would NEVER be accepted as her mother-yep, RAD raising its ugly head. Took 3 years and a total emotional breakdown on her part for her to find I was not going to desert her like bio-mother did! Included with these two girls came an adorable 7 yo boy-he lights up my life (and every room of the house!) But, after 2 years home he was diagnosed with FASD-mild to moderate. Finally got IEP for school, but he is struggling with behavior and acedemics-so many pathways in the brain were not developed. Lastly, I returned 18 months later to adopt the best friend of the middle sister, as the orphanage was threatening to put her out early. No one warned me that she had FASD, PTSD, and multi-personality disorder! To say she has been a challenge is putting it mildly. At 21 she thinks she knows all about life and I am stupid....and she just had baby number 2 by same guy. Lives with him and his mother and the children and they never know what to expect from her behaviorwise.
Yep, I have gotten a totally in depth education in the raising of hurt children and have had to rethink my way of parenting. It was so much easier for me to do that than to try to change the kids! I now speak out for the children who nobody wants to listen to-those with learning disabilities that are sometime not evident in their appearance. Being a mother to these wonderful children has made me a more compassionate person and braver in working for those with mental disabilities.
Isn't it wonderful how God believes in us? We have no idea what we are capable of, and so often He signs us up for service we would never sign up for because of a lack of confidence in our own abilities.
Then we learn from His example that children are given a chance and they can do whatever they want with that chance, just like us. Soon we realize, that just like Him, we need to love our children, help them, support them and forgive them.
God is good. Every day I am so thankful for a perfect example.
Thanks for your thoughts!
John
Thank you so much for your words of support and validation. More than anything, thank you for helping families like mine.
John
I would take a million more hurts, cry a million more tears, take all their hurt, suffering, pain, and grief all over, day after day. I would do it all over again without a moments hesitation. Your words have been a blessing to many who walk this path of obedience to take in and love these least of His.
Many blessings
A hurting momma of 7 (4 are bio siblings we adopted)
I just want to hug you. So, the answer to your "why" can only be because God knew that you could, and you would. GOD BLESS YOU!
John
I loved your comment about throwing parenting books out the window! Parenting these children is so difficult as we try to get them to leave behind behaviors that served them as survival skills earlier in life. The professional we found that helped us the most was Gregory Keck, who wrote Adopting the Hurt Child (you can find it on Amazon). He has written other books too.
Thanks for your comments and godspeed in your journey.
John
Exactly! Amen! Amen! Amen! I think I will print multiple copies of this to give to all the people directly connected to our daughter. It seems it takes me months to get many to understand and by then I feel like I'm doing more work undoing what has been done! Our daughter is from Bulgaria and was adopted at almost 5 years of age. She is a carbon copy of what you have described...and is beautiful and oh so CHARMING :-)
Thank you for your God-inspired words!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
I am so glad you found value in the article and hope that it helps others to understand and help your daughter.
John
Thank you so much for your article. Seven years ago, after having five biological children,my husband and I adopted a little boy from China. We did the preparation, prayed about it, and considered what we thought we could handle.
We were in our early 50s, so we had to adopt an older child or one with special needs. We wanted our child to be the youngest. I figured I could handle blind and/or hearing impaired, since I'd taught both for years before getting married in our early 30's. I knew I couldn't handle emotionally disturbed, as our other children were still relatively young (ages 7 to 16).
Surprise, surprise. We didn't understand how RAD can hide. We returned from China in May of 2007 with our 7-year-old adopted son. All five of his older siblings were excited to get to know him. In June, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and borderline adrenal fatigue. Our older children were wonderful with S, helping around the house and with meals; helping to teach S English and to home school him.
Four years later, I was an emotional wreck, convinced I was the world's worst mother, battling with anger that I didn't want to have, seeking God to change me and heal our family. An adoption counselor with a Christian ministry that we asked to speak with diagnosed what was happening. As I assured her that he had attached well with my husband and...
"There's no way, with his history, he doesn't have attachment problems," she interrupted. As she proceeded to explain what that looked like, she was describing what had been going on in our home for the past four years. I was exhausted, we had lost friends who thought I was too harsh, and--worst of all for me--some of our younger children were grieving the fact that they "haven't had a dad for the last four years."
I went through all the stages of grief--from denial, to anger, to a deep sense of loss. We tried counseling, putting him in public school, reading books, getting people to go respite care for us, etc. In desperation, we started considering other options.
God was gracious in allowing my husband, after praying, to find a residential placement that has been wonderful for our son. He is doing well in school and in the home, and we get to see him on regular visits. My husband says, "He didn't come wired to be part of a family; he came wired to compete."
The most painful part, though, is the toll this took on our biological family. During the time we had our adopted son, our oldest son left home to enter the military with an orphan spirit himself. Our three younger biological children are now teenagers with their own painful histories. The youngest, especially, who had been eager to pour all the love he had to give (which was a LOT) into his (slightly) younger adopted brother became one of the primary targets (along with me) of the RAD child. He (our biological son) is now full of anger. My husband and I have grown distant from each other, in spite of my trying so many ways to be the wife God wants me to be. Our children are growing and almost out of the house now; loneliness is an almost constant companion.
I didn't expect to write all of this, and I'm sobbing as I do. I don't know that it will help me any, but perhaps it will help someone else. We didn't understand attachment disorder until AFTER we'd lived with it for years. During that time, I would occasionally have someone recommend to me the "24-hour-attention", "don't let him leave your side for 6 months", and/or "only child" solutions. None of those were much help to an older mom with five other children.
God is faithful, and I trust He will somehow "restore the years the locust has eaten." Somehow, He must have thought we could do it. Or He will just use it to perfect us more into His image. If I were honest, though, I can say that--given the opportunity to go back--I would not do it again. So He doesn't give us the option of going back, LOL. He is good, and all His works are done in faithfulness.
Thanks for "listening".
Rosemary
God bless you and your family. Of all the struggles we have seen in our family, RAD has been the most difficult. I hope that time will allow your family to become closer, again. There are no good answers to situations like yours. "What ifs" simply don't matter. The only things that matter are what has happened and what will happen in the future. Though my wife is the one with incredible faith in our relationship, I am confident that God can and will reward those who have done all that they can to help the most injured of those on this earth (and I would lump those with RAD in that group). Let your family know of your love for them. Tell them that you are sorry that your actions hurt the family (whether or not you believe they were wrong, you can still be sorry that those things hurt your family). Ask for forgiveness. My children don't expect me to be perfect. They don't even expect me to agree with them when they think I have done something that hurt them or our family. But they forgive me when I apologize for things I have done that caused them difficulty. When my children understand that my family is the most important thing to me, and that I care when they are hurt, they find it in their hearts to give me a break.
Good luck, and remember to celebrate progress no matter how slight. Never forget that three steps forward - two steps back really does turn into progress!
I'm so glad that the article could help. Since your son is your biological son, you might not be aware of a book that could help you tons! It is called Adopting the Hurt Child, by Gregory Keck. I realize that your son is your biological son, but Dr. Keck specializes in attachment disorders. I strongly recommend that you read it. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Adopting-Hurt-Child-Special-Needs-Professionals-ebook/dp/B002P68B44/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397065618&sr=8-1&keywords=adopting+the+hurt+child
Thanks for taking time to comment!