Rainbows and Unicorns Should Erase Adoption Scars
There really is a beautiful and almost magical side to our adoption stories. We wanted our daughters badly. Our sons wanted little sisters, too. We painted bedrooms and bought new clothes. We even made story books about our family, our home, our pets, and the journey we would make together when our airplane followed the sun to take us home. Of course there were stuffed animals, baby blankets, lullabies sung by a new mother and recorded to give to the children. We had a honeymoon period together with trips to a local beach, walks through gardens of flowers, and time together watching sunrises and sunsets.
That was only part of the story. There were things in my daughters’ lives that made far more impact than the things we did. One of my daughters has a massive third degree burn scar covering her chest, for which she received no treatment until it almost killed her. Then Social Services removed her and her little sister from the home. There were other scars, underneath, caused by things that I won’t trouble you with. Oh, adoption is loaded with scars.
The time of the adoption needs to be spent in gathering
information; not avoiding, ignoring, or hiding it.
Though not in our family, there are people who have been adopted who are haunted by the scars of misinformation, or perhaps worse; a lack of information, hidden by elaborate intent. Was a young mother shamed into placing her child for adoption by her family, or those who claimed religion as their justification? Would she have kept and cared for her child if only anyone would have supported her? Were parents told that their child would have a life of difficulty in their home village, but that rich people would turn her into a princess if they agreed? Were they told it would be a temporary arrangement? Was the adopted person kidnapped? Is a family still searching and wondering about them? All of these things have happened. If you were the adopted one, what would you wonder? How long would you search? How angry would you be?
I believe in adoption. I really believe in adoption. I believe in all sorts of adoption, understanding that no one scenario works for everyone and that nothing is a fix-all when a child’s first family fails. Still, I believe that as adoptive parents, and prospective adoptive parents, we have a responsibility. We need to provide our children with as much truthful information about their past as we can. And the time of the adoption needs to be spent in gathering information; not avoiding, ignoring, or hiding it. If you are a Christian, like I am, you even have a religious obligation to stand for truth.
As much as it irritates some, I believe that there is a place for rainbows and unicorns in any childhood, adoption related, or otherwise. Those things never belong on the same shelf as truth. When items and stories of make-believe (or even partial truth) are used to cover over, or to replace history, then I hate them with a passion. I might as easily erase the scar on my daughter’s chest with a baby blanket as to try to use sweet stories of adoption to remove the emotional scars caused by abuse and the failure of her first family.
I do think that rainbows and unicorns should be able to erase adoption scars. I think they should cure cancer, too.
I have been reading a few of your articles with great interest. The whole Russian adoption debate is so loaded with emotions that it is refreshing to hear from someone who is impassioned about the children's rights, but who can also inform us more fully about the situation.
I work for a charity that has been involved with Russian orphanages since the 1990s. At first we were shipping over shoes and clothes to orphanages that literally didn't have enough for their children - half of them had to stay in bed all day because they had nothing to wear. As the economic picture in Russia improved we realised that the emotional damage caused by life in an orphanage is as serious as the physical deprivation and can be life-threatening in the long-term.
We are supporting various organisations that help to prevent children ending up in orphanages. On the one hand are services for families with disabled children living in the community. While not specifically aimed at preventing abandonment, we believe the provision of educational and therapeutic services in the community is essential so that parents can see a future for their family. Most families now facing a diagnosis of disability in their child have never met a disabled child or adult who is active and happy living in the community.
The other aspect of our work is aimed at helping young people leaving orphanages to adapt to independent life and overcome their childhood traumas. As part of this work we support a group specifically for parents. Too often they are deprived of family twice over, once when they are children and a second time when their own children are taken away from them. I am sure as an adoptive parent it took time for your children to bond with you. The good news is that even those who don't have this experience of bonding in childhood can learn to bond with their children with support. The results are beautiful to watch. Mothers who could barely look at their child chatting away with them, laughing and smiling. Children's energy levels increasing as their parents are taught how to feed them properly.
The recent disputes about adoption rights have revealed a huge interest in orphan's welfare around the world and it is a great shame that so few people understand that we can improve life for many families. Of course, some parents have no motivation to improve their parenting, but I would love it if more of us could reach out to those who do, so we can reduce the numbers of children entering Russian orphanages and the number of children whose parents don't know how to meet their needs.
Our charity is represented on the Global Giving website. We would be so grateful if you could take a look, and, if you like what you see, could share the link. www.globalgiving.org/donate/4427/st-gregorys-foundation/
Thank you!
Thank you so much. If you haven't read my short story, Russia in a Parallel World, I think you would really like it: https://johnmsimmons.com/russia-in-a-parallel-world/ I am so glad to see the work that St. Gregory's is still able to do for orphans in Russia. So many foreign charities in Russia were ejected or severely limited in Russia in 2012. To those reading these comments, IT'S ABOUT THE KIDS! People like me and those at St. Gregory's put our emotions and politics aside when it comes to governments and let our feelings for the children shine through. If you really want to help orphans, support organizations like St. Gregory's for Russian Orphans (http://www.globalgiving.org/donate/4427/st-gregorys-foundation/) and Ele Lembra for Orphans in the Republic of Georgia (http://elelembra.org/). Things move very slowly in former Soviet states. All of our activism in trying to get them to change will take a very long time, if it ever works. If we want to help the children, now, we need to support charities that are doing so.
Thank you all.
John